Things I learned from a Friend (2013), my mission.

Things I’ve learned from you:

1. Buying things for someone for the wrong reasons, and letting them exploit you is not the same as caring about someone.

2. Promises should never be made if they can’t be kept. No matter how much you wish to please the person with a yes, the truth is always better.

3. Words are not the same as actions. Being there for someone over the internet will never compete with being there for someone in person. No matter how much time or money you spend.

4. Expectations are delusional. Doing a lot for someone does not mean they are required to do anything back. Expecting them to is only hurtful, it would be better not to give at all.

5. Always express your true intentions even if you think the person would not understand.

6. Never assume what a person thinks about you, they may care more than they show.

7. Never let anyone convince you that you are less than, or that you deserve their cruelty

8. Talk about what the other person enjoys, show interest in their dreams, and support them if you can.

9. Look past the outward shell and disregard a persons mistakes. Instead look in to their heart and see what they wish they could be. Treat them that way.

Things I realized with your help:

1. I never knew what it meant to be there for you. I haven’t been in your life. I did not bring you soup when you were sick. I did not come over to keep you company when you were isolated at home. I did not pick you up when you needed a ride. Give you shelter when in danger. You have been on your own doing the best you can with what you have.

2. My twisted and broken version of what “caring” looks like, of being used up and exploited was wrong. That is not the way to live life. Money and gifts are nice, but being around to actually participate in your life was my real duty as your once best friend.

3. My only knowledge of a relationship came from an abusive sadist. Who shamed me in to thinking that I would only ever be someones tool. You called me on this bullshit even when I was in deep denial. Even when you could have exploited it.

I forgive you and want to take back anything I’ve ever accused you of or tried to make you be. I was wrong to expect your love when I was so damaged. You are not a terrible person and you’ve never done anything terrible to me.

This isn’t an excuse and I don’t expect your forgiveness but I have been in denial about the abuse my entire life. I let shame convince me of her lie.  You never accepted that lie. You took gifts and money but you never treated me as subhuman. You always confronted me when I repeated that lie. Now, after all these years im free. I am out of denial.

I have said a lot of bullshit over the years, so I dont expect you to believe me. I just want to acknowledge what you have done for me, intentionally or not.  Giving me the tools to know how to be a genuinely decent human being. You saved me. I must put actions to words. So I am. I will call, and I will try to see you. I won’t get angry if I don’t succeed. I just want to do it. I want to do it so I know that I tried. I want to do it because if I can be there for you then that is right.  I do it, not because you told me to but because I want to. Because your friendship, or any spot in your life is worth fighting for.  That is the courage that you have re-instilled in me. I want to explore and laugh and build and grow again. I am no longer chained by that lie, i am worth it. Thank you (anonymous). For giving me the tools that no one else took the time to teach me. To maybe have seen past my brokenness and seen a person that could be helped.

These are the gifts you have given to me. Worth more than all the money in the world. No matter what the future brings, I just wanted you to know, that you have made a genuine impact.

I like pie. Writing poetry for me is all done without editing or pre-thought. Enjoy the dribbles of my mind. :D

Posted in art, friendship, local, Uncategorized, unique, unrequited love

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